If I had a friend named Josh Asiago, I would call him ‘Joshiago.’ But I don’t have a friend named Josh Asiago – which is a shame.
As far as Sci-Fi flicks go, I thought it was okay. The part where Elton John becomes Rocketman? One word: Magical.
If you accidentally swallow a dragonfly, within three hours they will eat through your insides to escape. Then they’ll go after your friends. True fact.
Whoever gave Brown Trout their name, I don’t know. I feel like they pretty much just….mailed it in. “It’s brown, it’s a trout. We’re done here.”
INT. – SKATING RINK – DAY
Groggy, but coming back around, Gatsby slowly rises to his feet. The hockey net containing an unconscious Tom has been removed from the ice – as has Tom. The lights come up and Gatsby’s gaze is drawn overhead, as a to-scale Death Star descends ominously from the rafters. It touches down and a door opens vertically (top-down) forming a ramp to the ice.
Instinctively, Gatsby withdraws – and ignites – his (green, naturally) lightsaber, assuming a defensive stance. Moments later, SEVERAL STORM TROOPERS march out onto the ice (on skates) as the Imperial March theme BLARES OUT over the speakers. Through a thick bank of fog, we see DARTH VADER clomp down the ramp (also on skates).
DARTH VADER: Gatsby. At last, we meet.
GATSBY (respectfully): Lord Vader.
DARTH VADER: You’ve bested your romantic rival. However, you will not best me. Surrender now and receive a merciful death. Defy me, and you will suffer the consequences.
Gatsby extinguishes his lightsaber and bows his head. However, just as he seems ready to signal his surrender, he looks up confidently and re-fires his lightsaber.
DARTH VADER: You fool!
GATSBY: I am Gatsby, hear me roar! I am too great too ignore!!
With that, Gatsby skates into action, cutting through the ranks of Storm Troopers with graceful precision. Watching him, Darth Vader can only clench his fists in frustration.
In less than 40 seconds, the Storm Troopers have all been felled, leaving Gatbsy and Darth Vader facing off in a mano-a-mano showdown.
DARTH VADER: Do you really believe you can defeat me?
GATSBY: Yippee-ki-yay, (expletive-expletive)
From the shadows, a spectral OBI-WAN KENOBI (also on skates) appears.
OBI-WAN KENOBI: Use the Force, Gatsby.
DARTH VADER: Stay out of this!
Their eyes locked on one another, lightsabers at the ready, Gatsby and Darth Vader circle each other (on skates) as the opening strains of Europe’s ‘The Final Countdown’ begin to play.
TO BE CONTINUED?
A Scene from Act One
INT. – ICE SKATING RINK – DAY
GATSBY and TOM circle each other with their fists up. Both are wearing ice skates and Velour sweaters. DAISY, who is quite distressed, watches from the blue line. All at once, Gatsby and Tom begin to grapple. Gatsby manages to pull Tom’s sweater up over his head and starts to hammer away at his mid-section.
GATSBY: Do you know who you’re messing with? Do you know who you’re messing with? You’re messing with The Great Gatsby, pal!
DAISY: Stop! I’m begging you: Stop!!
Gatsby is lost in the moment. All he can see…is red! He straightens a woozy Tom up for the coup de grace, a big right hand to the jaw which sends Tom sliding, face-down, into the hockey net. As he crosses the goal line, the goal light lights up.
Before he can celebrate, Gatsby notices Daisy skating towards the penalty box. He hurries to catch her, but all at once he is blindsided by a Zamboni! Daisy sees the impact, which sends Gatsby’s crumpled form crashing into the boards.
DAISY (looking up at the scoreboard): NO! NOOOOO!!!
But it’s too late. Daisy has been driven insane. TWO ORDERLIES skate onto the ice and begin to lead Daisy off towards the locker room.
DAISY: I have always depended upon the kindness of strangers.
The lights fade until only a single spotlight remains, illuminating Gatsby’s prostrate form. The ORCHESTRA plays a funereal dirge until, suddenly, Gatsby’s leg twitches, once – twice. He’s still alive! A solitary piccolo trills in the distance.
TO BE CONTINUED
This is one of those days where I feel like a porcupine in a sewing circle. It’s nothing bad, it’s just…that’s just how it is (and that sewing circle reference, that’s a Midwest joke, by the way. If you’re from Delaware, you’re not going to get it). It’s tough starting a blog from scratch, because I haven’t blogged meaningfully in perhaps…a dozen years or so? That’s a long layoff. But it’s coming back to me. In fact, in the next day or two, I’m going to try to recreate a pair of blog posts which, in my mind, outlined either the best or worst idea of my whole life. It’s a big Broadway production – on ice. One which I have dubbed ‘Gatsby on Ice’. It’s an idea so awful, it’s amazing. A concept so fantastic, it’s wretched. Dualities. They’re always fun to explore.
I’ve started a website and I have no idea what I am doing. So I’m going to start typing stuff, just to see what happens. I invite you to join me on this quixotic journey.